I’m home and graduated!
I don’t mind when people change, it happens. But when it’s for the worst, and they can’t really go back after a certain point, I feel so lost. There’s only a few people I truly love and trust, and when the numbers go down, and they slowly start fading, I want to disappear myself. I barely have anyone as it is. To back away slowly and try to dismiss anything we ever had is not a great idea. I’m constantly haunted in the best and worst ways, you’re not going to just go away.
On a much more positive note, my hair is red and I graduate on Wednesday.
I graduate in a week, and I am contemplating mermaid hair.
I’ve had the growing up blues these past couple of weeks, but I’m feeling pretty confident in the decisions I’m making. I picked up my cap and gown today! It’s all falling into place.
I remember pulling all nighters, and watching the sun creep up through my blinds. I would lay in my bed, listen to the birds chirp, think of what I should be doing, and end up not doing any of it. I took walks, scanned flowers, smiled at strangers. It was a difficult time, but I had so much hope. I used to think it was people that pulled me through, but no. It was hope. I had more then, than I do now, and that’s just sad.
Things got really difficult as we got older, you know that. You’ve done so much for me, I will always love and respect you for that. You are my sister, always will be. You will always mean something to me. Time, distance, or the substance of our conversations will never change that. I miss you too. So very much. But you have to understand, I’m still piecing my life together, and establishing myself as a person. So are you! I think right now, we just have to live our lives, have our experiences, and talk it out whatever we feel the time is right. I’m always going to be honest with you, and you still have my trust. I don’t think we need to explain every intricate detail to each other. I still think what we have is extraordinary, think about it! After so many years, and all throughout the destructive situations, we still have each other. It may be a little rocky, but we’re both too strong to let it crumble apart. We just have to slowly build it back up, okay? Don’t base our entire friendship off our current situations. It’s going to get better. It always has. I love you to death.
I have ‘I want to be 18’ hidden away in my tags, which makes me laugh. I wanted to so badly believe everything would just magically turn better when I became an adult. My god! I love the sheer stupidity and blind faith I had in myself. I’m not saying what I wanted was unrealistic, it’s the fact that I didn’t get up. I probably could have gotten what I wanted, or at least gotten a head start at the big things if I had stopped feeling sorry for myself and grew a pair. I don’t think I’m little miss perfect now or anything, believe me, but I guess with graduation around the corner I’m just at that point where I have to stop and look both ways.
The past may have been horrible, and sure you can cringe and call yourself every name in the book, but I think it’s important to be able to laugh at yourself and your mistakes, or you’ll never get to point B.
YES, THANK YOU. (Amy, Amanda, and Andrea as well.)
- I have a card from Stephanie, and the way she signed it is just very her. There’s a sketchy heart, the S is curled, the T is incomplete. I like the idea of her name, in her own handwriting, etched on my wrist forever. I want it facing me, because it’s not meant for anyone else. In black ink!
- I want Katie, Amy and Jasmine to draw a small heart in their own handwriting, and I would like to put them together on my left wrist in white ink. We all met through very different circumstances, and to have made it this far is amazing to me and I’d like to be reminded of it.
- I’m giving a lot of thought to Patrick Wolf / Elliott Smith tattoos. I still haven’t got a clear idea of what I want just yet.
This may be edited in the future. (Edit: It has!)
The year ended, and those decisions I had to make just turned into bigger ones. I had a brave moment and thought “I want to take a deep breath and dive right in” but I’ll drown if I do that. I have no desire to play the Parris Made Stupid Mistakes and Her Life Flopped Upside Down game again. So for the moment, I guess I’ll be the tortoise.
